As your children grow older, your role in their lives changes. While they may no longer need you to rock them to sleep, help them tie their shoes—or even drive them to school—that doesn’t mean that they don’t still need support from you and your co-parent. In fact, the support they need from you both now may be more significant than it was when they were small children, as the decisions they need support for become more momentous.
Even the most well-coordinated co-parents can feel overwhelmed as they help their child navigate everything from college applications to driving and part-time jobs (not to mention the desire for independence and teenage angst).
Whether you’ve been sharing custody since your child was young or have recently started a co-parenting arrangement, supporting your teen as they navigate this transition into young adulthood is crucial. As a seasoned Family Law Attorney, here are three tips I have for co-parents as they help their teen navigate this next stage of life.
The teen years are full of big decisions, and the last thing your child needs is two parents who are on different pages as they approach adulthood. If you and your co-parent share legal custody, both of you should be involved in these big decisions, as they impact your child's education and welfare.
As co-parents, it’s essential to approach major milestones as a united front, even if you don't necessarily see eye-to-eye. This is especially true for decisions such as:
My advice is to keep your child’s best interests in mind as you navigate these coming-of-age decisions. For example, if your child wants to go to a specific college because it has the best performing arts program in the state, don’t force them to attend your alma mater just because you want them to follow in your footsteps. I will always advise my clients to be a genuine support system for their children and help them make decisions that will serve them well both now and in the future.
Think back to when you were 16 or 17 years old. We all thought we knew everything, even though we obviously know better now! The same goes for your teenagers—especially older teens, who often want, and deserve, a certain level of independence.
However, in a co-parenting situation, the level of independence given to your teen must align in both households. Without this, a “good cop/bad cop” situation can easily ensue. Even something as simple as Mom saying you can stay out until 10:00 pm on weekends, but Dad says you can stay out until 11:00 when you’re at his house, can cause strife between households.
When deciding how much independence your teen should have, it’s crucial to understand the boundaries you and your co-parent share and make choices that align with those boundaries. Going back to the curfew example, if your co-parent is worried about your child being out on the road after a particular time for safety reasons, you should honor that concern even when your child is at your house. An easy way to approach this kind of conversation is to say something as simple as, “I want you to have a great time at your friend’s house tonight, but you need to be off the roads by 10:00 pm for your safety.”
Outside of respecting curfew boundaries, a few of the other areas that I recommend parents collaborate with their teens on include:
As you give your child more independence and autonomy, my main advice is to ensure everyone is on the same page. The goal is for your teen to begin making their own plans and decisions while still remaining safe.
Your custody or support agreement may have been written when your child was in elementary school, but teenagers often have different needs. For example, your teen may have a part-time job close to their mother’s home, or they may spend the majority of their free time with friends who live in their father’s neighborhood. These factors could impact the parenting plan that works best for your teen. While the courts still prioritize consistency and stability, they do take a child’s age and preferences into account, especially when teens are vocal about what works best for them.
You may also need to adjust transportation responsibilities, decision-making regarding extracurricular activities, or how expenses are shared, particularly if your teen is preparing for college. Here are some of the times you may consider modifying agreements:
If it makes sense for your child to spend more time with your co-parent because they have a stronger support system at their home or if it’s closer to their part-time job, then so be it. My advice is to ensure your parenting plan prioritizes your teen’s success in their current stage of life.
As your child matures, your role evolves from caregiver to guide. While these years can be incredibly rewarding as you see your hard work paying off as your child grows into a young adult, these years are also undeniably complex.
If you and your co-parent are navigating disagreements or outdated custody arrangements, don’t wait until a conflict escalates. If you have questions about updating your agreement, understanding your rights, or setting your teen up for success, we are here to help. Please contact the Law Offices of Kerri Cohen at (410) 657-2515 or info@CohenLegalTeam.com.
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